As far as experts go, I do feel like I've learned plenty about the dos and don'ts of interviewing. A lot of this expertise comes from having made my own rookie mistakes, but in recent years, it also stems from my experience as a hiring manager and the "interesting" people I've met and accidentally hired through the interview process. So, without giving up the names of any of these fine individuals, I give you these useful tips on how to kill your interview. I guess I'll let you decipher what I mean by "kill" in this context.
Be Punctual. Anyone who knows me is laughing their ass off right now that I would even have the audacity to provide such advice. Let's be honest here; I'm not on time for anything. Ever. I've arrived late to weddings, funerals, my own law school graduation ceremony, classes, doctor's appointments, to work like every single day, and yes - job interviews (plural). I fondly recall the time I arrived late to a job interview that was scheduled at a small local diner where I was to have breakfast with my interviewer; a nice attorney who was actually considering hiring me to be an associate for their three-person personal injury firm. I was late because just as I was leaving, my stupid cat vomited all over the living room floor. We're talkin' big chunky vomit with snotty brown bile on light beige carpet. Like any horrified human being who knew she wouldn't be home for another ten hours, I quickly cleaned it up as best as I could manage with less than five minutes to spare. By the time I got out the door, I was flustered and already late. And, like any imbecile who hasn't yet experienced enough job rejection in her life to learn a lesson, I felt inclined to let my interviewer know exactly why I was late and that I just had to take care of that mess because who wants to come home to all that dried nastiness?...and then yeah, we proceeded to eat breakfast together. (I ordered oatmeal because nothing really grosses me out after having worked in a nursing home.) Needless to say, I didn't hear from him ever again and I do not chase ambulances for a living.
Less than a week later, I interviewed for a summer clerkship with one of the big law firms in downtown Minneapolis. Of course I was late and because the combination of "chronic tardiness + Asian + woman + automobile = disaster," this story did not have a happy, gainful-employment-kind-of-ending either. As I drove up the parking ramp, I either under- or overestimated the right turn into the ramp and scraped the shit out of the passenger side of the car. I frantically parked, ran into the building, hurled myself into the elevator and tore into the conference room where I informed my panel of interviewers - yes PANEL - what I just did to my car and that I was "real sorry" for being late. God, it is a wonder I am employed at all. The moral here is "Even if you can't be timely for most things in life, for the love of all things good, allow yourself ample time to get to a damn job interview." NEXT...
Q&A. We're all familiar with the stupid clichéd questions that hiring managers will ask during the interview like, "How would you describe your greatest weaknesses?" or "Tell me about a time you overcame a really difficult obstacle," or "If you could be any fruit, which fruit and why?" Personally, I try to avoid the clichés because I think these questions are predictable and I expect that prospective candidates will already have bullshit fake answers prepared that I don't want to hear anyhow. So quite frankly, I'm just going to cut to the chase and ask you very pointed, basic questions that really get at what I want to know. Here is a sampling of my questions followed by examples of shit I really wouldn't suggest you say to me if you want to get hired:
Q: "So, what motivated you to apply for the position?"
A: "Convenience, really. I hate driving all the way across town to get to my current job. Also, downtown looks fun."
Q: "What would you say is your biggest challenge in your current job?"
A: "Probably...(pondering thoughtfully) being organized. I'm not good at keeping track of things and can be a little scatter-brained at times."
Q: "What is it about this position that interests you most seeing as how you have never worked in a compliance role before?"
A: "I am really interested in the compliances." (etc. etc. more stupid, etc.) Note: There are a lot of words in the English language that are not made plural simply by adding an "s." There are many examples in the animal kingdom, such as deer, fish, moose, mouse, goose, etc. What's even more frustrating is that there are words that can't form plurals at all. "Compliance" is one of those words. If you add an "s" to it, the interview is automatically and immediately over.
Interviews are just as much about the candidate asking questions, too. Here are some of my favorites:
Q: "How much vacation time will I receive with this position?"
Q: "What do the bonuses look like for this level of job?"
Q: "Do I have to be here every day or can I work from home?"
Q: "How much does this position pay?"
Here, dumb ass, let me answer all of the above for you. "You will have 365 days of vacation, but unfortunately for you, you will have no spending money coming from us to enjoy yourself. But, as an added bonus, you can be home every day for all I care because we're not paying you ANYTHING AT ALL. Best of luck to you, my friend." NEXT...
Be a good listener. When the hiring manager is introducing herself, it would be nice if you'd be patient enough to let her finish her introduction before interrupting. I mean, what is wrong with you? I need all of 32 seconds to tell you who I am and you can't STFU long enough to humor me?
It's also important that if during the interview, you come to the horrible realization that you don't actually understand a goddamn thing about the position, that you find an intelligent way to ask some questions and learn more and that you actually listen to the explanation.
OR...you can also let the hiring manager know that "whoever wrote this thing [the posting] didn't do a very good job because this is really vague." I mean, chances are probably high that the hiring manager had nothing to do with the scripting of the job posting, right? Wrong. Yeah, I wrote that job description. I customized it because the general job descriptions written by our HR department are in fact vague and say nothing about this actual job. I pretty much spelled it all out for you. NEXT...
TMI. There's that fine line between showing your sparkling personality yet maintaining an air of professionalism. There are certain things you should probably forgo sharing about yourself in your first interview, such as your gruesome physical ailments, your bizarre personal hobbies and how you got fired from your last position, but it really wasn't your fault because the manager was difficult and doesn't deserve to be alive. Stuff like that. Keep it to yourself. NEXT...
Look the part. You really can't take things for granted when it comes to basic common sense and making a good first impression. I'm not shitting you, but people have shown up to interviews with me looking as follows:
- Man in a trench coat buttoned up to the top and tied around the waist. He never removed his jacket. I swear he was naked underneath. I wanted to ask if he was clothed, but that's not an appropriate interview question.
- Woman with crazy, ratted hair and smeary raccoon eye make-up. Since this was an early afternoon interview, I assumed she'd just come from a most incredible nooner.
- Young woman with sheer blouse...and white bra. Ladies, white under white. You may as well have worn a neon bra. Taupe, while completely un-sexy, will easily remedy walking about in public like your bra is on the outside. I'm typically not one to stare inappropriately, but COME. ON. Throw me a bone here.
On second thought, I'm having a moment of self-reflection here and thinking that I really should revisit how I draft a job description. Clearly, I'm attracting the wrong candidates. Epiphany noted. NEXT...
"Because of the interview formalities, there was without doubt, a mild sense of awkwardness from all parties and I certainly hope it does not become the focal point in your review assessment." [and....end quote]Whoa, whoa, wait a second. WHAT?!?!? Did you just call ME awkward? Interview formalities? Mild sense of awkwardness? Oh yes, there was awkwardness, alright. There was that pivotal moment when you screwed the pooch and we all knew it, yet you kept asking question after question in a valiant attempt to resuscitate your chances at getting this job. I'm sorry, kind fellow, but you need to get back on monster.com and keep giving it the old college try.
And with that, I invite you to apply for my open position and come have a delightful interview with me. You can decide how you want to "kill it."
