When are you planning on...shutting your face?

At least once or twice a month, someone asks me when/if I'm planning on having another baby because people just do not seem to be satisfied with the fact that Brent and I have an only child. I know that every human being on the planet can relate to some form of questioning about when they plan to reach the next logical milestone in their lives that they obviously haven't reached yet. Single people need to date.  Dating couples need to get married. Married people need to get knocked up and people with kids need more kids and more kids, etc. Everyone asking these questions really just needs to shut the hell up because people inevitably have good answers and the reasons all begin with, "No. Because it is none of your fucking business, that's why," and maybe they end with a tragic or completely disgusting explanation that would make you wish you'd never even asked in the first place. Did you ever consider that possibility?

Most of the time when I hear this line of inquiry, it's in an elevator. No one, especially Minnesotans, likes silence in the elevator, so we will fill the air with nervous or mundane conversation. (This totally reminds me - ask Brent to tell you about the time he purposefully farted in an elevator in Las Vegas.  Hilarious story.) I know I've been guilty of striking up mundane conversations myself, but I generally try to avoid the "When are you planning on [insert thing the person hasn't done yet]?," unless I'm intoxicated or you're ridiculously attractive (then I will ask you a lot of stupid things that are none of my business).

Someone asked me the "When are you going to have more kids?" question today and I know she meant well, but seriously. Look, I think my kid is incredibly freakin' awesome. He's clearly my best "unplanned enormous life event that resulted from too much alcohol and poor judgment about my birth control choices" ever and I wouldn't change a single thing in my history if it meant voiding his existence, but we are sooooo good with one and quite frankly, I think he is SOOOOOO good with being "the one and only." He gets our undivided attention and as we've explained to him, "You can't have as many toys and you can't go on cool vacations if we have to buy diapers for a baby." Yes, we really have told him that because it's absolutely 100% true.

Like for instance, instead of us taking him to Tulum this March, we'd be mapping out a road trip across South Dakota. I don't have anything against South Dakota. In fact, our family road trip to South Dakota is one of two major vacations Family Keilen took back in the day. Yeah, we did the whole Wall Drug, Black Hills thing. I do recall getting in a wee bit of trouble on that vacation for spending my meager allowance on the infamous "Truly Tasteless Jokes" book.  I think I was maybe 10 or 11 years old at best and I was secretly reading the jokes to my younger brother, Josh, who would've been 6 or 7 if my memory serves me correctly. Anyhow, my mom discovered the book and shit got real after that. I remember her lighting into me something serious and then one of my parents made me discard the book in the dumpster behind the hotel. Then, they lectured me relentlessly about what a sick individual I was to find those sorts of things funny and I felt ashamed and awful (and I bet they dug that book out of the dumpster and were laughing at it later on after we went to bed), but now that I think about all this, I fucking hate South Dakota. And clearly, mom and dad, that book did NOT ruin me like you said it would!  Look at how awesome and normal I turned out.

And so, if anyone ever asks me again why I'm not planning on having anymore children, the reason is South Dakota.

10 Things I Absolutely Hate About Facebook...Followed by 7 Reasons I Stay

I have three caveats here before you read this lengthy rant, should you decide to read it at all. I’ve certainly been guilty of at least one or more of these things myself (except half of them), but make a concerted effort not to commit these faux pas on a daily basis. If you're an avid Facebook user like me, I recognize your First Amendment right to say whatever you want, but I also exercise my own right to hide, block or unfriend you as necessary. Your horrific spelling and grammar are underlying adds to any of these items that exacerbate the annoyance factor tenfold.

1. Being purposefully vague. Look, if you’ve got something to say then have the big, hairy balls to come out and say it. But, if all you’re doing is fishing for a bunch of asinine questions about what you mean, what you did, what’s wrong with you, etc., I promise you, I will capitalize on your vagueness by presuming something grossly inappropriate and responding publicly as such. Example:  “I’ve got the best news ever!!!” My response: “I’m so glad you finally cured that yeast infection!!”  (See also “being passive-aggressive” and using the same set of balls to say what you mean and to whom you intend to say it.) What’s even worse is when your pathetic update actually does bait someone into asking “What do you mean?” and you respond with “I can’t say” or “I’ll message you, ;)” If you have to bait people into talking to you, I’m sad for you.
2. Hash tag abuse. There’s a time and a place for hash tags. That time and place is called “TWITTER” and even over there, I bet a hash tag for “myyeastinfectioncamebackforthethirdtimeandimreallysad” isn’t impressive. I’m no Twitter expert, but I do know a few things (correct me if I’m wrong). A) Hash tags are generally supposed to be witty and humorous, right? If you’re neither of those things, you should stop with the hash tags altogether. In fact, you might also consider deactivating your Facebook account because you’re boring me to f*cking tears. B) Hash tags aren’t supposed to have spaces, capitalization, or punctuation, nor should they be really lengthy sentences or statements that no one in their right mind would ever use in a search. Right = “attemptathumor”.  Wrong = “I’mtryingtobefunny,eventhoughI’mahumorlessdouchebag.” C) The more hash tags you use, #themoreiwanttopunchyouinyourthroatandbreakyourwindpipe.”
3. Self-created memes wrought with errors that aren’t the least bit witty or humorous. Okay, coming back to that old theme of “you’re not witty or humorous” – couple that with “you can’t write or spell worth a shit” and then throw in an online meme generator like “Someecards” and you’ve got a recipe for me blocking you in my news feed all day, every day. Do something original for once and shut your pie hole.
4. Instagram (and what you ate for dinner, but really Instagram everything). That picture of your dinner doesn’t interest me any more than it did five seconds before you made it all sepia/antiquey-looking with a thick black border. In fact, I don’t give a shit what you ate for dinner unless you had broiled human head with a side of goat intestines. If you ate that, I want to see it in a panoramic. Otherwise, please leave the professional photography to the professionals.
5. Your ailments and the ailments of others. Sure, I absolutely care about your well-being and I want to know if you’re battling a serious illness or going through a life-changing struggle with your health, but I didn’t want to see a picture of your infected wart or hear about how your kid pooped all over his sheets last night. Holy hell, why do you think I wanted to know that? Sometimes, I look at my news feed over my lunch break or during dinner, for the love of god. 
6. The airing of your filthy, filthy laundry. Remember what the world was like before you could instantly tell 831 people, including me, that your spouse is a spiteful asshole or that your boss is an unforgiveable lunatic bastard? (Note: Neither my spouse or my boss are either of those things.  That was for illustrative purposes only.) Do you *really* mean to tell everyone about your custody battle, how you hate your manager, and the dysfunction in your family? Please take a moment to think about those other people and what you would want for yourself. Your laundry stinks. Wash it on your own.
7. You – incessantly preaching at me.  If I want to go to church or do something outlandish, like vote Republican, I’m a big girl and I’ll do those things on my own. I’m all for you and your strong belief system, but you preaching in my news feed 26 times a day, 365 days a year isn’t going to change my mind about anything. In fact, it will only cause me to stray further and further from you, what you believe, and will likely increase my general disdain for you as a fellow human being. Not that you care, but that’s what I’ll do.
8. Mundane details. See also #6 and the need to broadcast to 831 people that you just washed your towels. If you feel so inclined to tell everyone that you just laundered your towels, can I ask that you at least do it with a little spunk and energy? Example:  “Boom!  I just washed my towels, bitches!”
9. PDA. Go get a room. Your nauseating love talk makes me want to vomit. You talking about or hinting not-so-coyly about the great sex you had is even worse. Look, we’re all happy you got laid and that you’re not a virgin because if I didn’t know otherwise...
10. TMI. This is a broad category that could also encompass any combination of almost any of the above, but I felt I had to explicitly state it as its own catch-all category just to be safe. (I’m somewhat impressed by the people who combine #1 and #10 actually.  You deserve two punches to the throat.) TMI definitely extends to both status updates and photos and can include details about you, your acquaintances, friends, relatives, the deceased, the unborn, and your pets.  TMI is usually disgusting and gross (either literally or figuratively) as an added bonus.   

Honorable Mentions: “You and your naked insecurity” and “You posting photos of yourself all day every day, over half of which you’ve taken with your smartphone. Can’t you find a friend or even a stranger to snap the occasional photo of you? P.S. Your arm is fat.”

If at the end of this list, you’re wondering, “Why the hell does she even use Facebook and why are we friends because I do most or all of these things?” Chances are great that you’re already frequently hidden, blocked and/or pending the next round of unfriending. Additionally, there really are some things I like about being out here in social media land:

1. Several of you are not only witty and humorous, but you’re absolutely hysterical and I enjoy your online company. Heck, I even try to see some of you in person when the opportunity strikes. If it weren’t for you, I’d have shut down a long time ago.
2. You lead an intriguing life and I aspire to/envy/admire it.
3. You’re smart and I like you. Sometimes I even learn from you. “Learning” is defined as you telling me something noteworthy I did not know about you or life in general, not you telling me the score of the football game or the current temperature or really anything easily discoverable on the internet.
4. We’re like-minded, which is scary for some of you.
5. I don’t actually like you at all, but was morbidly curious about your life and sort of enjoy your daily train wrecks.
6. I’m busy and this is a nice way of keeping track of you (i.e. cyberstalking you).
7. Some of you are family members and I feel obligated to keep you even though I know I can unfriend you whenever I feel like it, but Catholic guilt continues plaguing me even though I denounced Catholicism ages ago. Damn it.