Everyone thinks their children are the smartest beings to ever grace the planet. Roger* and I genuinely try to be realistic and objective when it comes to our one and only son. In fact, when he was two, we were scared he was leotarded because his vocabulary consisted of maybe nine words, including "ma" and "au revoir" and was largely comprised of unimpressive guttural noises coupled with his usual pissy facial expressions. (Holy shit, I need to note for the record that he was a real asshole from the time he was in utero until he was about 19 months, two weeks and three days, but who's keeping track?) At the time, our pediatrician said he should have a vocabulary of like 20 words and since 20 minus 9 is 11, we immediately drew the "leotarded conclusion" because that's like less than 50%, which is worse than failing. Now I'm supposed to be naturally gifted at math, but I'm not and as I tell people frequently, I also can't play the violin, I don't do nails, and no, I've never been an escort or in a porn flick. I can make a killer egg roll though, but that's compliments of Leeann Chin, who is actually Chinese, not Korean, but close enough. Therefore, I can't tell you off hand the actual percentage of 9/20 without pulling up the calculator app, but I know for sure it's less than 50%, so f*ck off.
I'm really not sure what we were thinking. As if he wasn't going to talk or open up one day. In hindsight, it's completely absurd because both his parents are extroverts, right? Both of us can't shut up. One of us tries really hard to get the other one to shut up when the first one drinks and starts talking too much at a social gathering about how smart s/he is and how much s/he knows about everything, but I'm certain you know who is who here in this non-descript scenario. I'm pretty sure the kid just couldn't get a word in edgewise, but he eventually mastered the art of "interruption" + "talking over you like you're not there." This comes in handy in a lot of situations, but not at work. I've had to unlearn that skill over the past decade so people will think I'm an assertive professional, not a crazy loudmouth bitch.
Out of general curiosity, at what age do kids typically start in with "I know that" and "I heard you"? Is age five normal? What about, "You should know that," and "What is wrong with you?" and "Why can't you be normal?" Just wondering.
Well, we're more than pleased with our son's verbal skills and mastery of the English language now. In fact, he's also learning Spanish and can count to ten in Korean (which has saved my ass more times than I can count in Mexican, let me tell you.) I'm going to make a conscious effort not to bog my blog with everything that comes out of his mouth, but he has more than made up for my "nausea/hives-wrought pregnancy," 20 hours of labor followed by a surprise c-section and for depriving me of 14 consecutive months of sleep with the endearing and hysterical things he now says on a daily basis. I really must declare - I LOVE THIS CHILD. "They" will tell you how utterly amazing it is to love a child and how you won't be able to comprehend how much undying affection you'll have for this little being, but you never really know until that moment when that little face looks at you with desperation and says, "You really don't have to walk me to my classroom anymore please...but I still love you, mom."
Tonight at bedtime, we discussed the roles of moms and dads. I asked him, "Well, what do you think moms do?" He replied, "Well...they...like to look pretty. They take a long time to do anything. Some of them drive crazy and...they wear dresses." I can't deny any of those things. He nailed it.
"Okay, what about dads?" He didn't need to think about this one at all. "Some of them are bald. They wear man shoes. They take a lot of dumps and they have a lot of underwear." (Check, check, check, and check, sorry Roger. I love you, too.)
*I never asked Brent's permission (not that I need a man's damn permission to do or say anything I please) to be featured in this blog, so until I get his affirmative consent, I will refer to him as "Roger."
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